Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SURREY ART GALLERY - 11TH SCHOOL TOUR (HALLOWEEN)



GREETINGS BLOGGERS!

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW IT IS HALLOWEEN BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS A HOLIDAY FOR ME. TODAY, I HAD YET ANOTHER SCHOOL TOUR AT THE SURREY ART GALLERY AND THIS TIME, THE SCHOOL WAS BEACH GROVE ELEMENTARY.

HERE IS THE LIST OF WHAT HAPPENED:

I- AT FIRST, I WAS JUST ASKED TO LIST THE BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF MY PROFILE: NAME, COLOR, AGE, AND GENDER (I AM A MAN!).

II- AIDEN (A SURREY ART GALLERY REGULAR) WANTED TO KNOW WHY I HAVE EYES. I SAID I HAVE A PAIR OF EYES SO I CAN SEE HIM AND ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE NO EARS, I CAN ALSO HEAR HIM. HAVING THE APPEARANCE OF NO EARS IS MORE ARTISTIC ANYWAYS, AIDEN! IT IS TRUE THAT I HAVE NO NOSE. THIS IS BECAUSE TO BE A PROFESSIONAL ARTWORK, YOU MUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE SENSE OF SMELL IS QUITE THE INFERIOR SENSE TO JUDGE A PIECE OF ART WITH SO I WILL REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN THE EXCHANGE OF SCENTS WITH ANY GALLERY GOER. I HAVE TRANSCENDED THE BASE AND INFERIOR SENSE OF SMELL BY HAVING NO NOSE!

I EVEN HAD A SCULPTED NOSE-JOB PERFORMED TO ENSURE THAT I WOULD NEVER BE JUDGED ON THE BASIS OF HOW I SMELL!

III- THE WHOLE CLASS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY MOUTH. IF I AM A TRANSCENDENT PIECE OF ART, WHY WOULD I NEED A MOUTH? WELL, AS I AM SURE YOU KNOW CLASS, LANGUAGE COMPRISES THE FUNDAMENTAL DESIRABILITY BEHIND ALL ARTWORK. WITHOUT LANGUAGE, WE WOULD HAVE NO ARTIST AND NO ARTWORK NOR ANY STATEMENTS AND ESSAYS AND THEREFORE WITHOUT A MOUTH TO CONVEY THIS SACRED LANGUAGE, THERE WOULD BE NO WAY TO EXPERIENCE AND APPRECIATE ART AT ALL UNLESS ONE RESORTED TO WRITING. LUCKILY, I HAVE MY ASSISTANT TO HELP ME WITH WRITING. I PREFER THE ANCIENT ORAL TRADITION WHERE ONE ARTWORK DID ALL THE TALKING AND THEN THE CRITIC (OR THE BLOGGING ASSISTANT AND/OR SHAMAN) WOULD TAKE ALL THE SPOKEN WORDS AS GOSPEL AND WRITE IT DOWN, BLOG IT AND THEN PUBLISH THE SACRED TRANSMISSIONS IN ARTFORUM! I SHOULD ALSO ADD THAT I CAN MAKE SCARY HALLOWEEN FACES WITH MY MOUTH... MY MOUTH CAN BE USED FOR JUST ABOUT ANY OCCASION.

IV- ILA WANTED TO KNOW WHY I AM RED AND PURPLE. PURPLE??? IS MY BLUE VOID LOOKING PURPLE ON THE PROJECTED SCREEN? I HOPE NOT! THAT WOULD CONFUSE PEOPLE INTO THINKING THAT "UNCLE BARNEY" WAS IN FACT ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL ALTOGETHER! HMMM..OR, DO YOU MEAN THAT MY OWN IMAGE LOOKS RED AND PURPLE COMBINED? I HOPE SUCH COLOR MIXING DOES NOT MEAN I BEGIN TO LOOK GREEN TO YOU!!! ARRRGGH!!!

V- SIDNEY ASKED WHY I HAD NO EYEBROWS AND ALSO WHY I HAD NO HAIR. WELL, SIDNEY, I MUST MAINTAIN A PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE AS A PIECE OF ARTWORK AND DO YOU SEE ANY OTHER ARTWORK IN THE GALLERY THAT SPORTS A CROP OF HAIR? I WOULD THINK NOT! THEREFORE, I HAD TO ENSURE I HAD NO TRACES OF HAIR TO BE AS PURE, PROFESSIONAL AND AS MODERN AS POSSIBLE. AS FOR THE EYEBROWS, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DO NOT HAVE THESE. MY GUESS IS THAT THEY ALSO CONTAIN TRACES OF HAIR AND I MUST FORBID ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF HAIR EVEN IF IT HAS BEEN PROFESIONALLY SCULPTED! I MUST SERVE THE AESTHETIC MUSE AND NOT THE ESTHETIC ONE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SIDNEY THEN ASKED IF I AM A PIECE OF ART, WHY WOULD I REQUIRE A PAIR OF EYES? I HAD TO EXPLAIN THAT I AM ATTEMPTING TO BE AN APPROVEMENT ON THE MORE STATIC AND MUTE FORMS OF ART THAT ONE WOULD USUALLY SEE IN A GALLERY AND/OR MUSEUM. HAVE YOU EVER WISHED THAT WHEN YOU SPOKE TO AN ARTWORK, THAT IT WOULD TALK BACK? THIS IS WHAT I OFFER TO YOU AS A 21ST CENTURY ARTWORK. WHILE WE ARE THIS SUBJECT, I MUST SAY THAT THE MOST EMBARRASSING FORMS OF PRE-21ST CENTURY ART WERE THOSE PAINTINGS THAT APPEARED TO HAVE MOUTHS BUT WERE UNABLE TO SPEAK TO THE AUDIENCE! AND TO THINK THERE WERE SO MANY OF THESE FAKE COMPANIONS FOR PEOPLE! WHAT A SHAM! CHARLATANS! WHAT WERE THEIR CREATORS THINKING?

THIS IS WHY IMMORTAL CRITICS LIKE CLEMENT GREENBERG EVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE . HIS AIM WAS TO REMOVE ALL MOUTHS THAT COULD NOT ACTUALLY SPEAK...HE EVEN WENT AS FAR TO TRY AND BAN REPRESENTATION BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING BEHIND THAT REPRESENTATION. HE CALLED THIS BAN “TRUTH TO MATERIALS” BECAUSE PAINT WAS UNABLE TO SPEAK SO IT SHOULD NOT EVER PRETEND TO HAVE A MOUTH. IT IS ONLY TODAY WITH CONTEMPORARY TECHNOLOGY THAT I AM BEING TRUE TO MY MATERIAL COMPONENTS BY ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO USE MY MOUTH AND SPEAK DIRECTLY WITH YOU.

VI- MITCHELL ASKED WHAT MY FAVORITE ART WAS. I GUESS I NEED TO EMPHASIZE THIS IN EVERY CLASS BUT OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE ART IS ARTWORK THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE ME! MITCHELL, HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND LIKED WHAT YOU SEE?

VII- BRIANNA WAS WONDERING WHO MY CREATOR WAS. OF COURSE, I NAMEDROPPED BARNEY NEWMAN. I HOPED THAT THEY WILL REMEMBER HIS NAME BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO BE AS IMMORTAL AS CLEMENT GREENBERG!

VIII- AS MENTIONED AT THE TOP OF THIS BLOG POSTING, A BOY NAMED JOHN ASKED ME ABOUT MY GENDER. WAS I A BOY OR A GIRL? JOHN, IT SHOULD BE CLEAR TO YOU BY NOW AFTER HEARING MY BOOMING DEEP VOICE THAT I AM INDEED NEITHER BUT A REAL MAN!

IX- A PARENT THEN CHIMED IN AND ASKED IF THE VOICE OF FIRE CAN BE PURCHASED. I HAD GO INTO MORE DETAIL ABOUT WHO WAS AND WAS NOT FOR SALE. IF THIS PARENT HAS MORE THAN AT LEAST 2 MILLION CANADIAN DOLLARS (ONLY ABOUT $536.OO IN AMERICAN CURRENCY, I WOULD IMAGINE) TO BUY MY ANCESTOR, SHE CAN DO SO WITH PRIDE AND WHAT A BARGAIN, MY ANCESTOR CAN STILL BE HAD FOR!! HOWEVER, IF SHE INTENDS TO PURCHASE ME, I AM NOT FOR SALE AS I AM NOT TRULY COMMODIFIABLE. I CAN BE HIRED TO ACT AS AN AESTHETIC CONSULTANT BUT I CANNOT BE OWNED AS PROPERTY...NOT EVEN AS INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY! I THINK THE NEWMAN ESTATE WOULD OWN THE RIGHTS TO RE-PRODUCE MY MEMES. I EXIST FOR FREE SO I CAN CHAT WITH THE PUBLIC AND RESTORE THEIR CONFIDENCE IN THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT WASTING ANY MORE OF THEIR HARD-EARNED TAXPAYERS’ MONEY!

X- TREVOR ASKED WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS BORING BEING ON THE PROJECTED WALL THE WHOLE TIME. WELL TREVOR, THIS MIGHT BE NEWS TO YOU BUT I AM NOT ON THE WALL THE WHOLE TIME. I QUITE OFTEN LEAVE THE WALL-AREA TO EXPLORE THE REST OF THE BLUE VOID. SOMETIMES I HIDE FOR MY NAP AND SOMETIMES I CHAT WITH THOSE OTHER AVATARS FROM THE TECHWORLDS COMMUNITY WHO RESIDE “IN-WORLD”. EVEN IN TERMS OF WALLS, I CAN BE PROJECTED ON MANY DIFFERENT WALLS...EVEN AT THE SAME TIME! SUCH ACTIVITIES PREVENT ME FROM BEING PERMANENTLY AFFIXED TO A WALL AND FEELING BORED.

XI- SOME GIRL (I FORGET HER NAME) ASKED HOW AM I ABLE TO EVEN MOVE AROUND WITHOUT THE USE OF LIMBS? WELL, I CAN FLOAT WITH MY MIND!! NOW, I SHOULD BE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU TO JUSTIFY THE ACTION OF DRESSING UP AS ME FOR HALLOWEEN! MUA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ENJOY THE REST OF THE ART, BEACH GROVE ELEMENTARY! I HOPE YOU CAN CONVINCE THE OTHER ARTWORKS TO TALK BACK TO YOU...PLEASE DO NOT BE PERSONALLY OFFENDED IF THEY APPEAR RUDE AND MUTE!

HALLOWEEN REGARDS,

VOICE OF FIRE 2006

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