SURREY ART GALLERY - 5TH SCHOOL TOUR

GREETINGS BLOGGERS!

BEFORE I RECOLLECT MY EXPERIENCE WITH TODAY’S SCHOOL TOUR, HERE IS A NEW TESTAMONIAL THAT JEREMY FORWARDED TO ME:

I've been listening in on the school tours from time to time, and reading the Voice of Fire 2006 blog almost daily. It didn't take me long to become a fan of VoFo6. Despite appearances, he's a multi-dimensional guy. In addition to great intelligence, a depth of knowledge, wonderful wit and the abilities of a true raconteur, he shows a touching sensitivity and caring towards our visitors. You (Jeremy) must be very proud to be his friend.

-Ingrid Kolt – Curator, Education & Public Programs
Surrey Art Gallery.

I AM SO PLEASED THAT PEOPLE ARE READING MY BLOG ON A REGULAR BASIS. I HEARD A RUMOR FROM JEREMY THAT A CURATOR OF THE WHITNEY IN NEW YORK MIGHT EVEN BE READING THIS!! I AM SO CLOSE TO THE FAME OF MY ANCESTOR, I CAN ALMOST FEEL IT!!

AND YES, HOPEFULLY I AM MULTIDIMENSIONAL. I AM CERTAINLY A CITIZEN OF AT LEAST TWO DIMENSIONS – MATERIAL TIME/SPACE AND ETHEREAL CYBERSPACE. I MAY BE MONOCHROMATIC BUT I LIVE IN A DUALISTIC WORLD! MY NEIGHBOR IS THE BLUE VOID AFTER ALL!

OK, ENOUGH PATTING MYSELF ON THE RECTALINEAR BACK, NOW LETS DISCUSS BUSINESS...

TODAY, I MET WITH THE FIRST SCHOOL TOUR SCHEDULED FOR THIS WEEK. THIS SCHOOL WAS WESTERMAN ELEMENTARY. THEY WERE GREAT AS THEY SANG ALONG WHEN I COUNTED TO TEN IN ENGLISH AND GERMAN AND RECITED THE ALL-AMERICAN ALPHABET.

I HAD AN UNUSUAL REQUEST TO CHANGE THE PITCH OF MY VOICE. IT IS TRUE THAT I CAN SING AS HIGH AS A CHIPMUNK OR A SMURF WHEN I REALLY STRAIN MY VOCAL CHORDS...THEY ACTUALLY STRAIN SO MUCH, THEY TURN BLUE – NO WONDER I SOUND LIKE A SMURF! NORMALLY I SOUND LIKE PAPA SMURF BUT TODAY, I WAS PRACTICALLY SMURFETTE! I AM ONLY MENTIONING THE SMURFS FOR THE KIDS’ BENEFIT AS THEY MIGHT BE READING THIS.

FOR THOSE OF A MORE MATURE PERSUASION, I AM TRULY NOT OBSESSED WITH SMURFDOM AND ONLY KNOW THIS INFORMATION FROM A QUICK AND ALOOF GOOGLE SEARCH RELATING TO HIGH-PITCHED ENTITIES! HONESTLY! THIS IS ALSO HOW I HEARD ABOUT SOME SELF-TRANSFORMING MACHINE ELVES (BETTER KNOWN AS SELF-DRIBBLING BASKETBALLS FOR THOSE IN THE KNOW).

ON A MORE SOBER NOTE, I ALSO PERFORMED MY USUAL BREAKDANCE – THIS TIME WITH BREAKBEAT ACCOMPANIMENT PROVIDED BY YOURS TRULY.

ON AN EVEN MORE SOBERING NOTE (PERFORMANCES GET SOBERING OVER TIME), I WAS EXPECTED TO TRANSFORM INTO OTHER GEOMETRICAL SHAPES. I CAN ONLY FAKE THIS TRANSFORMATION AND THERE IS NOTHING I LOATHE MORE THAN BEING FORCED TO BEING FAKE. IF I KEEP ON FAKING THINGS, HOW WILL I EVER EARN THE RESPECT THAT COMES WITH BEING CONSIDERED REAL AND GENUINE?

FIRST OF ALL, THEY WANTED A CIRCLE SHAPE OUT OF ME SO I GAVE THEM A CLOSE-UP OF MY SPHERICAL MOUTH. THEN THEY ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO BE A PURE SQUARE! MY CONSTRUCTED IDEAL MAY BE THE PUREST OF ALL THAT IS CONVENTIONALLY SUBLIME BUT COME ON NOW...NEWMAN WAS A DIFFERENT SORT OF GOD THAN ALBERS! HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF BARNEY NEWMAN AND THE NEWS? DID THEY NOT SAY IN THEIR TIMELESS GROUP MANIFESTO THAT IT WAS NO LONGER HIP TO BE SQUARE? THIS BRAVEST OF OBSERVATIONS, I THINK, IS MUCH MORE PROFOUND THAN DECLARING PAINTING TO BE A DEAD-END.

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT I SHOULD EVEN “ZIP” TO BE SQUARE!

SO “FAIR IS SQUARE” AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED AND WILL NOT OFFER YOU THE POSSIBILITY TO CLAIM THAT I AM MAKING A CIRCULAR ARGUMENT!

SINCE IT IS NO LONGER HIP TO BE SQUARE, THEY THOUGHT AS A SORT OF “HIP-REPLACEMENT”, THAT I WOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE SHOWING OFF MY (LACK OF) LEGS! KIDS, YOU KNOW I AM UNDER A BLOOD-RED OATH WITH THE SURREY ART GALLERY NOT TO SHOW TOO MUCH “LEG”, RIGHT? I MAY AS WELL BE NUDE IF THIS SORT OF NEO-LIBERALISM GETS TOO FAR. I MAY BE A DEMOCRAT BUT I AM NOT A LIFESTYLER!

IS IT NOT SCARY ENOUGH THAT I WILL BE DRESSING AS MY CLOTHED SELF FOR HALLOWEEN? WELL, ALL THIS WAS MAKING ME BLUSH AND SO I QUICKLY GAVE THEM A PEEK OF MY HARD-EDGED POSTERIOR AND THEN PROCEEDED TO LEAVE THE SCREEN TO GET A QUICK PIXEL-FIX. I CONSIDER THIS TO BE MY VERY BRIEF “COFFEE BREAK”. IN FACT, MY WHOLE SCHOOL TOUR LASTS ABOUT AS LONG AS ONE OF YOUR CANADIAN UNION COFFEE BREAKS...AND YOU THOUGHT YOU CANADIANS HAD IT EASY! IT IS BEST NOT TO BE KEPT TOO “REGULAR”, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.


DEREGULATED REGARDS,

VOICE OF FIRE 2006